“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form