Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.