Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Ok who’s got my black socks?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.