Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average