Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.