Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*