Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*