Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.