Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

whenever i wake up before my alarm

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.