Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Got a light

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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