Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*Seductively hides in the woods
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
✌️
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.