Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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Lmaoo 😂
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*