Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
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*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I need a long hot meteor shower
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot