Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.