Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*