Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.