Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
That time Alicia messaged me
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.