Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO