SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
the short answer to this question
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.