sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
me when i see my girls butt
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.