Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex