[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
the three genders
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
The news
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES