Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
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Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”