Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

Couple goals

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

kevin is now a local weatherman

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.