Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat is stressing him out.

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”