Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold