Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
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ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink