Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
#parenting
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis