Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
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I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.