Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.