Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Ron is short for Aaronald

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

I like crazy people until they notice me

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself