Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Posting this on behalf of a friend
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔