Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

By Kate Hatos

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah