sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you