sistine chapel
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During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Me when I’m ovulating
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs