Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
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A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
3% human
97% stress
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵