Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My boss called in sick of me
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.