Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married