sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again ๐๐๐ anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
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My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
โI have an uncle who does yogaโ
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Donโt give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: Youโre not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well youโre not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didnโt think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I know that we arenโt supposed to self diagnose but Iโve googled all of my
symptoms and Iโm fairly sure Iโm a raccoon
โI found a stickโฆ and it comes with a hat!โ ๐๐
goldiesglobe
โHow do you talk to an angelโ
Me: I donโt know, Skype I guess?
โHow do you hold her close to where you areโ
Me: Arenโt most angels men?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here youโre part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Some say Iโve โgone off the rails,โ or โleft the reservation,โ or โscrewed the pooch,โ or โmixed my metaphors,โ or โlaunched the hot dogโ
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, itโs a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesnโt.
Just left a note on the exโs car saying โI STILL LOVE YOUโ hope it doesnโt go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Kids be like โHey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.โ
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmareโฆ My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in lineโฆ.
Donโt go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder whatโs going on there.
If you call me daddy during sex youโre getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. Iโm voting for a reptile this year.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why donโt they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Iโm getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing Iโm searching for into the status update field.