Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human