@_NTFG_

Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.

You Might Also Like

@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

@cervixsmash

Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman

@hippieswordfish

‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@bingowings14

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

@TechnicallyRon

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

@AcrimoniousClwn

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

@kelownagoose

My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.

@havingafatday

So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he’s alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad