Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Sit down and let me tell you a story.
Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.
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Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman
‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom
‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
If your problem can be solved by:
Then you don’t really have a problem.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.
So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he’s alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad