Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
You Might Also Like
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.