Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
kids play hide and seek like
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??