Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
God, I love Scotland
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Discuss
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.