Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

A short story about romance.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

*performs CPR on the turkey*

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.