Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.