Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
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The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over