SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
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Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Ha
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.