Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.

Worlds greatest photobomb

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣