Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ