sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
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(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
The most precious boy
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread