Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50