Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

My fantasy football season is going great

Cake safety first. Always.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place