Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Rather alarming headline…

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”