*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Bartender: Usual?
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up

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GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]


[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus


I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.


i don’t need a “previously on…”
ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight


I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.


[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed


Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”


If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.