{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn