Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?