*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
you gotta be faster
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.