[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.