Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.