[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
wtf
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon