[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
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I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
out-housing market appears to be strong
