[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
why I oughta
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?