Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

Me too 😆

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

new dr. seuss book dropping:

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

My first child will be named New Folder.

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym