*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese