The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery
Me: *gestures at kid* Well?
Wife: i meant the hamster
[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”
me: how much do you charge?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-