*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
This kid will have a bright future.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*