[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Personal question. #JustSaying
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
the simulation is moving too fast
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.