*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”