*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Hmm 🧐
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!