Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.