*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
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A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
tag yourself
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”