*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
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soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
imagine getting destroyed like this
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I was bored.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
That’s a good costume, I hope.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out