Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

ok this is my dumbest yet

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Nose

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: