Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you have to use a public restroom.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.