Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Feel. He’s so soft.

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny