*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.