Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children