Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

english majors be like furthermore

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY