Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.