[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Best spot.. 😅
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I’ve been drinking.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Basketball
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Spoiler Alert: I was late